Wow, this is spooky. Until you said your mom had you at 19 I thought you might be my daughter. We spoke last night about her older sister having done another one of her patented dumb things that puts the family through so much drama and she was not pleased with what I had to say. Except for the 19 part everything else is so dead on.

I too latched on to an unhealthy degree to my first and only blood relative and rsponded with hurt and dismay when she decided to have a life of her own instead haging around to be my savior. And my family will always be tainted with the stain of my obsession with her. So, now that she has disappeared yet again with my two preshcool grandchildren I can not even converse with other family members about what needs to be w/o being read the riot act about how everything has to be about her. I mean what am I supposed to do? Not be concerned about the safety of my child and grandchildren in order to copensate for the the fact that I was overly concered in the past?

I can see myself in your mother. Adoptees often feel they were deprived of something that evryone else takes for granted, that which is thicker than water. It's not uncommon to marry too young and too quickly. We want a "real" family. Same thing with having a child, too young, too quickly, must get family. It sounds like your mother is still carrying the baggage and never dealt with her past properly. Now I think she is just tired of carrying it all. It's getting heavy. She wants to put it down, but she doesn't know how. You can be a good daughter and be there for her, but I think she really needs to talk to people that knows how she feels and what her struggles have been. The best thing you may be able to do for both of you is to encourage her to do so.

You can't be her savior forever. You'll exhaust yourself trying. Some people create drama to get other people to take care of them. Let her lean on you if need be, but don't try to carry her. That doesn't help either of you in the end.

You sister will do what she will do regardless of how the rest of the family feels about it. Try not to worry about it too much and just brace for impact. remember she grew up in the same troubled home you did, so she's got her own baggage she's carrying. She's just trying to get what she wnats, just like everyone else in the world. If she can't see yet that a bad marrage won't make her happy than theirs nothing you or anyone else can do. She will end it when she is ready to and not before. Again, you can be there for her, btu you can't save her. She's got to save herself.

It sounds to me like your family has cast you in the role of care taker. It's your job to fix or prevent everything. Resign from the position. You have all you can do just taking care of yourself. It's great that you made changes, but you didn't change what you do so much as just how you do it. Start making yourself your own first priorty and let your family deal with their own issues for a bit.

Wow-we do have very similar backrounds to pull from! I'm sorry that your daughter has cut you out of her life-as much as I want to with my mother, I never would. My father on the other hand is toxic and had to be let go. My mother does see a therapist, but she is a charmer and I think she manages on making them her friend more than her therapist, her friends are all alamingly similar, adopted, divorced, co-dependent, etc. It overwhelms me to be in her presence in a group because she either latches on to me (if she doesn't know anyone-I can chat up anyone) or if she is comfortable she put on this persona that only comes out on special occasions and is Martha Stewart. I no longer feel responsible, but on the other hand I am always waiting for the other shoe to hit the floor-my own life is good, the ghosts of my past just rattle me a bit to often.

Yeah, I had to cut a toxic parent out of my life too. That look a long time to get over b/c it's one thing to get stuck with a certain relative, but the system LET this insane woman adopt me! I mean ????????? Spent a couple of years as the poster child for bitter over that one, LOL.

It sounds like you need to set some limits. Cutting your mother out would be a mistake. Trust me, it'll throw her into a full blown panic. She'll latch on even tighter, and whether you stick to your guns or not, it'll put both of you through more than it's worth.

Instead promise yourself you will gracefully exit a phone call after 15 minutes. Run out front and ring the door bell if you have to. Let her know there is time you will spend with her, and time that is your own. You can meet for lunch on Sundays and be unavailable the rest of the weekend or whatever.

BTW, people that are trying to get better do not charm their doctors out of doing their jobs. If she's doing this than perhaps she isn't quite the critical point yet.

Hi CK,

I agree with vwytche. This woman needs boundaries...you were never allowed to have your own boundaries as a child and she never seemed to understand the universe of anyone else but herself. Her self-absorption sounds like narcissism- the wanting to pull your hair out and knock yourself out with the phone reaction definately fits! Check out this site:
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

This may give you some insight into what you're dealing with and why this has been so hard for you. She definately needs boundaries enforced, as she is accustomed to beng enmeshed with her children but also being the victim...as strong as you have come to be, you need emotional protection.
Warmly,
Kellie Montgomery< LMFT