Remember you have to be good to yourself FIRST before you can be of use to others.
Saying that it sounds like you have a really one sided relationship. Cut the strings and see what happens, the decide. Best advice i can give.

Hello, so glad to see u on the site. As a person in the social work field I definately understand the strong drive in you to care for others, to help them, to understand them....and I have my own story as well. I believe we are drawn to this field for a reason, the empathy and compassion u have is a gift, but it makes it dificult (and boy, do I know) to draw boundaries with others at times..we can get stopped on, hurt, even abused if we are not careful and mindful of our needs and our basic rights to receive the same the same care, compassion, appreciation and respect we show others.
I really would like to recommend two books, both really were incredible and eye-opening:
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
eye-opening and incredibly insightful...loved every line!

and

The Drama of the Gifted Child (the search for the true self) by Alice Miller
this one is hugely famous ( u may of hear of it already) b/c it talks about how & why some of us are drawn to this field ...and the roots being in childhood experiences. I believe u will see yourself in this book ..I know I did.

Warmly,
Kellie Montgomery, LMFT

Thanks Kellie! I love to read and both sound like they will help. It's funny how it all began working in this field. I went to school for Advertising and Comm Media, my first love is the creative field. I was a camp counsellor for some of my teenage years and found myself volunteering for an end of summer program for abused women and children. From there, I went to college for something totally different. After the experience of having young girls open up to me about things they had never told their social workers, I thought I could be a child's psychologist. I know that I am too emotional though, and might get too attached to clients. While in college and working retail, a job came up from by best friend whose neighbor was supervisor to work with adults with developmental disabilities. Here I am four years later, have been with my husband for three of this years. I truly believe God put me in this field because he knew my journey and that my patience must be tested in other ways in order to deal with my marriage and his child. I see that now.

Eventually, I plan to pursue fashion advertising. I am working on my portfolio as a full time job, while working at the group home just the same. My clients are my blessings, they can drive me nuts but leave such a soft spot and I have a very special love for them all. Just helps me believe everything happens for a reason! I can't wait to check out those books, thanks again!

You're welcome!!
If you can, let me know what you think, you can also msg me through the site.

Warmly,
Kellie Montgomery, LMFT

Hi emdee,

I'm coming at this sexual addiction issue from a different place than you. I'm a recovering sex addict who's been sexually sober (no sexual contact with myself -- masturbation -- or with anyone else, except my wife) for a little over 25 years. So I know a thing or two about this disease, and also about your side of the equation. Since you're new to this whole process, I thought I'd share a few facts about sexual addiction with you, and perhaps also a few recovery resources that might prove valuable to you.

Sexual addiction is a funny disease, with roots that reach back into the addict's childhood. Most sex addicts grew up in families where other addictions were present, so they learned to use addictions as a coping mechanism by osmosis. Another thing that's very common in the childhoods of sex addicts is various forms of abuse, neglect, and abandonment, and from what you've shared, it sounds as though your husband had plenty of all of these.

Sex addicts are usually fairly lonely people, folks who are pretty isolated and socially inhibited. They often have few, if any friends. Sex addicts experience a great deal of shame because of the abuse, neglect, and abandonment of their childhood, and shame is a sex addict's worst enemy. Ultimately, it is shame that causes the sex addict to act out in their addiction, and by acting out, they just create more shame for themselves.

Sex addicts never received what I call "the blessing" from their parents -- the TOTAL, COMPLETE, and UNCONDITIONAL love, affirmation, support, approval, and acknowledgement they needed, wanted, and deserved. As a result, they aren't really sure that they are "okay", that they are fully acceptable. One way in which they can know that others accept them is if these folks will have sex with them. So part of their motivation to act out in their addiction is to get this affirmation. But once they get it, the affirmation is short lived and it isn't long before they need to be affirmed once again.

Sex addicts are often angry people. They are angry at their parents, their siblings, their boss, their partner/spouse, the world at large, and at God. They are angry about the abuse, neglect, and abandonment of their childhood. And they are angry that they don't feel "okay" or acceptable as they are. So some of their acting out behavior will be about this anger.

A sex addict doesn't get hooked on the sexual behavior, per se. They get hooked on the rush of endorphins and neurotransmitters in their brains that happens when they are sexual. If there were some other way for them to get the same rush, they'd use it, but there isn't. It's this chemical rush in their brains that they get hooked on, so they're really drug addicts, but the drugs are those that are naturally occurring in their brain.

There are lots of steps you can take to get into recovery for yourself and for your own issues (codependency). Probably the best place for you to start is to learn a bit about sexual addiction, and then take a look at your side of the equation, the codependency issues. The quickest and easiest way to learn about both of these issues is to read a few books about them. And since you told Kellie that you love to read, this will work out well for you.

The first book I usually suggest that newcomers such as yourself take a look at is one titled, "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction", by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. This is the first book that was ever written about sexual addiction which was meant for the general public, and it's still one of the best books available on the basics of this disease.

After you've read this book, you might want to take a look at several of the books which have been written specifically for the partners/spouses of sex addicts:

"Back From Betrayal: Recovering From His Affairs", by Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D.

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal", by Barbara Steffens, Ph.D. and Marsha Means, M.A.

"Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide For Partners of Sex Addicts", edited by Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D.

"Hope and Freedom For Sex Addicts and Their Partners", by Milton Magness, Min.D., L.P.C., C.S.A.T., Marianne Harkin, and Greg Ottersbach.

All of the above books can be purchased from: www.amazon.com.

After you've read the books, you might want to take a look at an online site called Recovery Nation (www.recoverynation.com/). This is an online treatment program of sorts that has a program track for both the sex addict, and another one for the addict's partner/spouse. The program consists of a series of written exercises which you can work at your own pace, and in the privacy of your own home. The program is 100% FREE unless you decide to make use of one of the mentors they have available. If you decide to go that direction, a small fee will apply. Whichever way you decide to work the program, you will definitely see results if you work the program exercises as prescribed.

The are Twelve Step support groups available (similar to Al-Anon except for the partners/spouses of sex addicts), and if you'd be interested in something like that, I'd be happy to provide contact information for you. I don't want to throw too much at you all at once, but there is a lot of help available out there if you know where to look.

I think I'll end this response by giving you three (3) "mega-websites", each of which contain all kinds of information and referrals for both the sex addict and their partner. There's a lot of information on each of these sites, so please, take your time reviewing everything so that you don't accidentally miss something:

Sex Help
www.sexhelp.com/

Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
www.sash.net/

Sexual Recovery Institute
www.sexualrecovery.com

That's enough to get your started, I think. Please remember that there is lots more available, if you're interested. If you'd like more information, please let me know. I'll be happy to give you all the information and referrals you can handle. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and best of luck to both you and your husband.

Charlie
Sex Addiction Board/Panel Manager

I can only say ,GET HELP I hear you say that its only a problem right now, trust me when you live with him in day to day life, this problem gets completely unmanageable. I know, I had a long distant relationship with my man. I moved away from my family to be with him. I was crazy in love. I did not know that he was a sex addict .He hid it (i think he was caught in a previous relationship) I knew something was up. After 8 years I finally found out. I can share my experience with this and all addictions. They are bred out of shame and guilt, and live in lies and deceit. No active addiction is healthy, no matter how charming and wonderful you feel around him. When you live together you will begin to see who he really is, reality will set in, and that great feeling will disappear. You will wonder what is wrong with you. You already have , Why can't he say those things to me? it will turn into why doesnt he want sex with me? why does he want sex with all these other people and not me? More power to you if you can handle it, but I haven't met anyone on this site that can. Your here for a reason. Read the books get help. good luck keep me posted

I can only say ,GET HELP I hear you say that its only a problem right now, trust me when you live with him in day to day life, this problem gets completely unmanageable. I know, I had a long distant relationship with my man. I moved away from my family to be with him. I was crazy in love. I did not know that he was a sex addict .He hid it (i think he was caught in a previous relationship) I knew something was up. After 8 years I finally found out. I can share my experience with this and all addictions. They are bred out of shame and guilt, and live in lies and deceit. No active addiction is healthy, no matter how charming and wonderful you feel around him. When you live together you will begin to see who he really is, reality will set in, and that great feeling will disappear. You will wonder what is wrong with you. You already have , Why can't he say those things to me? it will turn into why doesnt he want sex with me? why does he want sex with all these other people and not me? More power to you if you can handle it, but I haven't met anyone on this site that can. Your here for a reason. Read the books get help. good luck keep me posted

Hey overit12... Thank you so much for your response and support to see me get better. My hubby told me about his addiction the first year we together when I did catch him in a lie. At first, yes, he did hide. When he came for a visit, he took me on a long walk and explained his past, how he was in foster care (I knew but he opened up more), and about his sexual experience when he was young. He opened up about a lot and I truly give him credit for that. Since then, he has been open any time he feels overly sexual or watches porn and has emotional attachments to women at times (texting, sexting). He is as honest as he can be as an addict; he is still full of shame and guilt and with time, I see how the distance is trying for him (not being able to have sexual contact). I ask him questions, what his levelof sexual attraction to others is, as month to month it varies. I agree completely it is a challenge and I have thought of leaving, as you mentioned. But, day to day, we truly have something great. He respects my feelings enough to be honest and open so that we communication thru the steps he sometimes has a hard time expressing. The lies are part of the addiction, that's the part I do hate... As for living together, I think because of our openness with the addiction and wanting to get help together, that we can only get better from here. He has agreed to therapy together and apart; and we have both agreed to staying together until we've tried every option and give each other a chance to be a "real couple"... In a marriage, we owe at least that. Thank u for your kind words.... I have read success stories and I am a patient, compassionate individual, with the strength to walk away as well. I know we haven't reached our full potential for happiness, but considering the odds, like you mentioned (next to impossible), we are both willing to try and that effort both ways is obvious :) the support on this site is amazing